An Interview with Richard Dawkins

Radical Splurge managed to get exclusive access to a no holds barred interview with the world's most famous atheist. He was once one of the most respected and influential figures in the atheist community after the publication of 2006's The God Delusion but in recent years he has fallen out of favour with many after been let lose on Twitter. Even before the honey terrorism incident and his irrepressible need to make ill-judged comments on rape Dawkins has remained a controversial figure dividing believers and secular humanists alike. In this interview I was sent by the Radical Splurge editorial team to see what Dawkins thought about his recent controversial tweets as well his often criticised blunt approach to all of the world's eclectic religions.

I approached Dawkins' house on a cold January day, the theistic spirit of Christmas now dead under the weight of work and secular puritanism. I walked towards an isolated house that sat under the grey winter sky, it looked strangely dilapidated for a house owned by an wealthy best selling author. I approached the door and knocked to hear a scurrying sound within the house, the door creaked open and an agitated Richard Dawkins peeped his head around the corner to beckon me in. His eyes flitted about erratically, bloodshot and surround by dark bags; it was clear this man had not slept in some time. Dawkins led me to his "living room", a sparse room with no furniture, only a damp floor and cracked plaster walls. The only decoration to be found was a shelf of his books and a disturbingly liberal scattering of honey pots placed around the room, some discarded empty ones simply lay on the damp floor as ants crawled into them to devour the sweet residue. The only other features in the room were pictures of Priests and clergymen in some form of fear or distress dotted around the room.

Richard Dawkins insisted that the interview was carried out standing up as he very casually stripped down to his pants and socks. Rather than offer me a cup of tea he scooped out a handful of honey from a near by pot and extended his hand as a gift. I declined. At this point the interview was ready to commence.

Radical Splurge: Hello Mr Dawkins, I'll start off with my first question. Do you feel that your approach to religion that bundles the worst violent extremists with moderate religious people is an oversimplification.

Dawkins: No! No I don't! *Dawkins preceded to rub honey on his bare chest* Religion is evil in all it's forms, it's what all war is. We must crush the moderate believers or they will become extremists themselves! Religion took my fucking honey! I want my fucking honey! *He ate a handful which seemed to sooth his nerves*.

Radical Splurge: But surely there is a difference between different types of belief and different commitments to faith?

Dawkins: *He contemplated then gave a stern glare looking like a strict Cambridge don who had just watched a student set fire to his dog* No. Everyone is ISIS! Religion is bad, religious people are stupid honey snatchers. In a world without religion there would be no wars or disease and the cream egg wouldn't have had it's chocolate shell messed with.

Radical Splurge: It's undeniable that religion has caused or at least justified many horrors from the crusades and modern day terrorist atrocities to restrictions on women's rights with Ireland, even to this day seeing women struggle for basic abortion rights against the Catholic Church. However, surely you must have to factor in some other root causes. Some examples off the top of my head would be the the system of capitalism that leads to misery in the name of profit or the crimes committed in the name of secular ideologies under Pol Pot's regime or even the Nazis.

Dawkins: No, you're wrong mate!

Radical Splurge: Many of your recent tweets and comments have caused uproars in the media. Even humanists who once respected you are seeing you as an increasingly problematic figure. How would you justify your recent comments on what you see as an inherent evil of Islam claiming not all religions are equally violent? Doesn't this suggest your form of atheism could be seen as bigoted or Islamophobic?

Dawkins: I am no bigot! Those Muslims are coming over here bombing our bee hives. You know where these bee disappearances are coming from? Fucking Muslims take the bees and use them for bombs to arm the wasps. The wasps will prevail! We must stop the wasp agents of God! They are his minions who attack me, they've single me out!

Radical Splurge: Do you think a more rational explanation for the wasp attacks would be that you cover you body in sweet honey?

Dawkins: NO! It's because I am the God of the atheists! They have read my truths. My bee forces must march with me and utterly destroy the enemy!

Radical Splurge: Many have also criticised your tweets on other issues, for instance you suggested that it was immoral not to abort fetuses with signs of Down's syndrome and that date rape was somehow less serious than stranger rape. What do you say in your defence? These a not the comments a once well renowned and influential rational atheist would be expected to make.

Dawkins: I can do what I like! I don't need to justify myself! I am infallible, I am the law! There is no morality. Abortion! Abortion! Abortion! Look what I can do, just watch me!

At this point Dawkins continued to scream "abortion" at the top of his voice whilst pumping his fist. He pulled a gun out and then left the room coming back with a baby seal, he grinned, his eyes twitching in rage. His expression was manic but it was also one of perverse epiphany. He placed the baby seal on the ground and pointed the gun at it.

Dawkins: Before Me you are a slug in the sun. You are privy to a great Becoming and you recognize nothing. You are an ant in the after-birth.

It is in your nature to do one thing correctly: before Me you rightly tremble. Fear is not what you owe Me, you and the soon to be vanquished God ants. You owe Me awe.

He fired several shots into the seal then stood splattered with blood and honey. He breathed heavily muttering something about his plan to send "loving, gentle, woman-respecting erotic videos" to the Middle East to combat ISIS and save the land of Milk and Honey.

Radical Splurge: Right, thank you for your time Mr Dawkins. I think we'll call it a day there.