It came from outer space (or possibly Edinburgh). Its purpose? To take over the Labour Party. The parasitic organism had the terrifying ability to destroy and replicate any member of the Labour Movement recreating them cell by cell. This organism was named "Tony Blair".
It began changing the Labour Party MP by MP, cell by cell, policy by policy until there was nothing left of the Labour Party. The first victim of Tony Blair was Gordon Brown who shared an office with Blair; his human form suffered a horrific death. Brown's muffled cries were stifled by Blair's shape-shifting fleshy tentacle suckers that served to allow the Blair to absorb him entirely using his likeness to help him take over the party. It was not long before the party was re-branded "New Labour". This was a symbol of the victory of the Blair Thing showing it had reached its goal in creating a party filled with bland indistinct organisms only capable of following orders from the hive mind or "Think Tank" as it was known. To survive the Thing had to destroy all opposition to "electability" and "credibility" as any notions of nationalisation or trade union rights were seen as an attack on every parasitic cell of "New Labour" and as dangerous reminders of the human populated "Old Labour".
For years it seemed that the organism was unstoppable operating in safety as it absorbed any new Labour members or anyone who voiced dissent but it did not count on one man. Jeremy Corbyn stayed in hiding in Islington safe from the Blair Thing that built its strength in a sealed Westminster bubble that maintained the perfect climate for Blairite organisms. He returned to Westminster prepared to take on the beast holding a flame-thrower. He burnt and fought his way through the Labour bureaucracy hearing the shrieking screams of the neo-liberal organisms as their cells were destroyed with a sizzling hiss. He fought bravely but the party was more infected than he fought, he would have to destroy every cell of the Blair Thing. He marched though the burning halls of The House of Commons over the cooked giblets of former Blair controlled MPs towards the epicentre of the organism. He looked upon it in shock. It was New Labour in corporeal form.
Tony Blair was trying desperately to create more cells and more forms in a final bid to save himself. What emerged from him was the grotesque spectacle of a Labour leader - a Labour leader - creating new MPs from his infinitely mailable gooey body. The new creations Andy Burnham, Liz Kendall and Yevette Cooper were too weak to be a real threat to the flame-thrower wielding Jeremy Corbyn. They were not shallow replications of former Labour MPs but a new baseless set of creatures that drained all of Blair's strength to create. This was a last show of power but also a show of decrepitude and vulnerability.
The morphing Blair monster was utterly horrific, while Corbyn was in a position of power he had to strike or else the creatures would scurry around and absorb him. Corbyn hesitated for a moment, his finger shaking on the trigger as he saw something almost pathetic in the malformed beast he saw before him. Would he falter and give the Thing an opportunity to destroy him and the last hope of the Labour Party or would he blast the monster to Hell before it could regroup?
