Today loyal fans of the popular motoring show Top Gear rallied in defence of the controversial host Jeremy Clarkson after his sacking for an assault on a work colleague. Fans called for the immediate reinstatement of Jeremy Clarkson and the public hanging drawing and quartering of Oisin Tymon claiming the punishment would symbolically fit the crime of tearing apart the popular Fifth Gear like show.
Many went further in extraordinary scenes filmed near Clarkson's residence earlier today. Hoards of fans made a barefoot pilgrimage to meet Clarkson bearing steaks as offerings. Each lined up to make a symbolic gesture of giving the man of the people millionaire a steak. This was an a clear reference to the steak the Top Gear host was so cruelling deprived of by off duty kitchen staff. If the steak was not cooked to Clarkson's liking the devoted fans agreed to allow a righteously furious Clarkson to strike them at his leisure.
Radical Splurge managed to get an interview with a bloodied fan leaving the Clarkson household with a look of enlightened euphoria on his face. When asked about the justification of Clarkson's now infamous violent outburst he answered:
Bloodied Fan: That producer was a fucking idiot. If Clarkson wants steak he gets steak, end of. What did he expect, for Jezza to just settle for a buffet after a hard day's drinking? Or maybe even just a mere torrent of verbal abuse? If I was an over privileged millionaire with an arrogant sense of entitlement I'd have done the same as Clarkson. The bloke's a fucking pussy any way, when I get assaulted by my boss I don't seek medical attention, I do what all of Clarkson's uncritical fanboys do and lie quivering on the ground thanking them for teaching me to fear their boot. Anyway it's a fucking honour to be punched by Clarkson, in fact I found it an awe-inspiring experience to be touched by such greatness, and that's why we're here today campaigning!
Radical Splurge: What do you hope to achieve from your actions today?
Bloodied Fan: We want the so called BBC or the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation not only to reinstate Clarkson but to come grovelling to him begging for an apology. This time they've taken the liberal dictatorship's political correctness too far by banning the ultimate form of free speech, the right to physically assault junior colleagues. The BBC should follow our example today and submit totally to a superior being.
This conversation concluded suddenly when cries of mass sadomasochistic joy howled from the direction of the Clarkson household. The bloodied fan as well as scores of others seemed to rush in treating the noise like some sort of siren. Radical Splurge attempted to investigate but the reporting team were forced to leave after being accused of working for 'The Guardian or something'. In the interests of safety they were forced to leave immediately.
