President-elect Donald Trump's shock victory last year has sent the global political system into a panic. The world is changing fast and the age of lesser-evilism and tepid liberalism is at an end. Trump has continued to worry his troubled nation with his chief appointments, most notably the appointment of anti-Semitic 'Alt-Right' figure Steven Bannon as his chief strategist. Of course this is cause for concern but the last battle has not been drawn between races, it has not been drawn between Republicans and Democrats. The new line has been drawn between Washington and Rome.
After comments made by Pope Francis during the Presidential elections criticising Trump's anti-immigrant sentiments and Mexican wall project Trump has decided to strike back. In a statement he said
“I've had enough of this commie hippy Pope. The other day he called capitalism terrorism. True we've had some bad capitalism but my capitalism will be really really good. Now I know I'm a Protestant but I think we need a new Pope, this is a bad Pope ya know? We need a good Pope. We've had some bad Catholicism now I'm gonna get us some good Catholicism and a new Pope, it will be tremendous and people will love it. That is why today I am proud to announce my appointment of Mel Gibson as the Pope, the Vicar of Rome is a non-Pope, an anti-Pope and he's gotta go.”
This shock news has transformed the political and theological landscape, critics have claimed that Trump has no grounds on which to make this challenge to Pope Francis' leadership of the Catholic Church either morally or procedurally. While Trump has recognised that Mel Gibson will not gain legal recognition as a Pope he has stated that “I don't give a shit about that”.
The actor Mel Gibson is a good choice against the progressive Pope who's anti-capitalist sentiments and more forgiving image have struck accord with the faithful and no believers alike. Mel Gibson has not recognised the authority of any Popes since the 2nd Vatican Council of 1962-65. He intends to bring back fire and brimstone to Catholic teaching and to stop nancying around rejecting wealth, helping the poor and going on about loving your neighbour. He will shift the Church's teaching and bring back Latin masses while creating the conditions for a great schism or even a holy war. He has commented that the Church's position on women's rights and birth control would “remain pretty much the same”.
In a surprise visit to Rome the self-appointed Cardinal Trump arrived to do battle with His Holiness. He was armed with a Purple mist, a portal into the most racist fundamentalism of Gibson's essence, a pure raging madness of screeching hate and chaotic instability. Trump stood waiting to use his new Pope. The forces of darkness favoured him, the dark lord smiles upon Trump (as did the edge-lords of 4Chan). Francis stood on the Vatican balcony, the air had turned cold and the sky blackened with ominous clouds. He opened out his arms crying out in booming roar of a sermon that echoed off the old stones of St. Peter's Square.
“You have worshipped the idols
money. You have spread hate when we must spread love, how dare you
come to this holy place, there is no place for your diabolical
obscene riches here. Well I am pretty much standing on a big building
made of gold but... well you get the point. Come then heretic, let's
tango.”
The newly octogenarian Pope then leapt
from the balcony towards Trump and his evil cloud of Gibson power
that was the anti-Pope. The Vicar of Rome gritted his teeth and
stretched out his fingers like blinding talons as Mel Gibson let out
a furious confused wail. The battle lines were set, the war for our
souls had commenced.
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