Jeremy Corbyn Victory 2020

Jeremy Corbyn pictured taking office over the ruins of an austerity ravaged Britain.

Published May 2020

Breaking New: Jeremy Corbyn is the new Prime Minster. He has taken over a Britain radicalised by five years more austerity that "got a bit out of hand" according to the Conservative Party leader Grant Shapps (elected after a chaotic leadership crisis in the Tory ranks during 2018).

The result of the election came as a surprise to many after Corbyn's dramatic move to the left that led to the mass exodus of most Labour MPs after Clause IV was reintroduced as "Sovietize everything. Victory to the International Proletariat!!" Surprisingly this leftwards direction proved popular even after the short lived rule of 'Provisional Plaid Cymru' who for three months ceased power and maintained a disastrous policy of independence and "Socialism in one country" that was deemed by many commentators to once again discredit alternatives to capitalism. Corbyn managed to win back support to left-wing ideas saying "I think that the death of the entire population of Wales shows that the policies of 'Provisional Plaid Cymru' had some serious issues that should have been dealt with before implementation".

The efforts of ex-Labour MPs to halt Corbyn through a split failed after the Lid-Dem(s) refused to enter another coalition of any description. They eventually joined a mass opposition with the Conservative Party with Yvette Cooper justifying the move in her infamous debate with Jeremy Corbyn.

"Your taking us back to the 1980s, In fact this is worse, you're so left wing this is like 1983 times a thousand". 

Corbyn won the debate by arguing that his stance of being 1983 times a thousand would actually not take Labour and Britain back but move it forward to the year 1983000.

 Corbyn later added to his manifesto that with such an acceleration of years that a Labour victory would bring there would be a huge Christmas deficit meaning that by law it would have to be Christmas everyday until the debt was paid. Bernard Mattews Ltd would have to be taken into public ownership and collectivised to facilitate the gravy grave challenge that would immediately face a Corbyn government.

What the future holds for Corbyn's government is unknown but no one could have ever predicted the series of events that led to his remarkable victory.

Jeremy Corbyn starring in: The Thing from Outer Party

It came from outer space (or possibly Edinburgh). Its purpose? To take over the Labour Party. The parasitic organism had the terrifying ability to destroy and replicate any member of the Labour Movement recreating them cell by cell. This organism was named "Tony Blair".

It began changing the Labour Party MP by MP, cell by cell, policy by policy until there was nothing left of the Labour Party. The first victim of Tony Blair was Gordon Brown who shared an office with Blair; his human form suffered a horrific death. Brown's muffled cries were stifled by Blair's shape-shifting fleshy tentacle suckers that served to allow the Blair to absorb him entirely using his likeness to help him take over the party. It was not long before the party was re-branded "New Labour". This was a symbol of the victory of the Blair Thing showing it had reached its goal in creating a party filled with bland indistinct organisms only capable of following orders from the hive mind or "Think Tank" as it was known. To survive the Thing had to destroy all opposition to "electability" and "credibility" as any notions of nationalisation or trade union rights were seen as an attack on every parasitic cell of "New Labour" and as dangerous reminders of the human populated "Old Labour".

For years it seemed that the organism was unstoppable operating in safety as it absorbed any new Labour members or anyone who voiced dissent but it did not count on one man. Jeremy Corbyn stayed in hiding in Islington safe from the Blair Thing that built its strength in a sealed Westminster bubble that maintained the perfect climate for Blairite organisms. He returned to Westminster prepared to take on the beast holding a flame-thrower. He burnt and fought his way through the Labour bureaucracy hearing the shrieking screams of the neo-liberal organisms as their cells were destroyed with a sizzling hiss. He fought bravely but the party was more infected than he fought, he would have to destroy every cell of the Blair Thing. He marched though the burning halls of The House of Commons over the cooked giblets of former Blair controlled MPs towards the epicentre of the organism. He looked upon it in shock. It was New Labour in corporeal form. 

Tony Blair was trying desperately to create more cells and more forms in a final bid to save himself. What emerged from him was the grotesque spectacle of a Labour leader - a Labour leader - creating new MPs from his infinitely mailable gooey body. The new creations Andy Burnham, Liz Kendall and Yevette Cooper were too weak to be a real threat to the flame-thrower wielding Jeremy Corbyn. They were not shallow replications of former Labour MPs but a new baseless set of creatures that drained all of Blair's strength to create. This was a last show of power but also a show of decrepitude and vulnerability. 

The morphing Blair monster was utterly horrific, while Corbyn was in a position of power he had to strike or else the creatures would scurry around and absorb him. Corbyn hesitated for a moment, his finger shaking on the trigger as he saw something almost pathetic in the malformed beast he saw before him. Would he falter and give the Thing an opportunity to destroy him and the last hope of the Labour Party or would he blast the monster to Hell before it could regroup?

Is a new Global economic crisis on the way? How did it happen?

 The gradual slowing of the Chinese economy has now hit a potentially catastrophic pace. The last apparently stable bastion of capitalism has now followed the west into the post 2008 financial world. How has this happened? Could this crisis have been avoided? Radical Splurge investigates.

 The capitalist economy has always been immensely complicated and can often be too abstract a concept to grasp due to phenomena such as fictitious capital. In order to explain an economy which moves so quickly that most ownership of stocks lasts a mere 22 seconds before being sold again at the will of computer calculations, Radical Splurge contacted the respected economist Merl Banks. His explanation was as follows.

Merl Banks the economist pictured

"The economy is like the great dragon. The dragon is everything. You anger the dragon or harm one part of it and you harm the whole. We have angered the dragon, he was displeased by our offerings. We no longer have true readers of the economy, true saviours who can tame the dragon and use it for good or evil. You must place your head on the ground and hear the hum, the spinning chaos of the economy and clutch at its essence, its being. Your soul must be one with the economy, we must return to the old ways before the days of men.

Only one such man could take this status in recent years and his powers have waned like the waxing moon. He knew it was the economy stupid! Like me he could feel it pulsing, always gnawing away, its maddening screams of pain when FTSE was injured it coursed through his mind and nerves like a lightening striking a crab. Your mortal world is over, I must leave mankind to its own fate, I have done all I can."

 Merl Banks does have a point but he does seem to be rather alarmist. The economic crash is quite simple, the QRT rates fell after an in-fluctuation in global PIF prices made a large increase. This was in part due to Deng Xiaoping's economic reforms but in another part due to the market value shares after the PQE declared the IDW only had a two star rating and further more, ThE DragoOn has awAKeN.

We are but dust to him. He is everything, I can feel my him in my bones and his terrible screams shatter my very soul. The economy is injured and angered, we must fear him. The world of men is done, all is lost now. The mighty dragon is unleashed.

Greek Referendum: Oxi

JC: The Second Coming

 The second coming of Old Labour is upon us. It was foretold that the chosen one would return. JC is here to once again cast the Blairites out of the sacred House of Commons and to save mankind from the anti-Corbyn known as Liz Kendall who means to plunge the world into darkness. He seeks to smite the surprisingly nice eye-lashed  Andy Burnham who clearly bares the number of the beast "1997 were good weren't it?".

Judgement Day is upon us (in a couple of months and then a few years after that).

George Galloway and ideal democracy

I will count them ALL!

Did Marx exist?

Revelations about Karl Marx have emerged after research by the Radical Splurge history team uncovered enlightening documents. "Karl Marx" it seems did not exist, at least in a material sense. Marx was in fact a work of Engels' over active drunken imagination appearing to him as a burning beard-bush that only he could see. The beard-bush bestowed Engels with great wisdom leading to the development of dialectical materialism but spoke in a garbled near indecipherable English meaning that Engels had to spread the dialects through his own words rather than directly through the raw unknowable source.

Engels would often be seen speaking to himself in pubs as if he was in the midst of an exciting conversation but in truth only he could see and hear the flaming beard. A passage by an unknown writer reveals some of the true nature of "Karl Marx".

"Now Engels kept the textiles factory of his father in law, the felt-man of Manchester: and he left the pieces of fabric at the back of the shop, and came to the pub of dialects, The Salford Crescent.

2 And the follower of Hegel appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of an unfathomable beard: and he looked, and, behold, the beardy-bush burned with fire, and the beardy-bush was not consumed.

3 And Engels said, I will now turn aside, and see this great sight, why the beardy-bush is not burnt.

4 And when Marx saw that he turned aside to see, Marx called unto him out of the midst of the beard, and said, Engels, Engels. And he said, Here am I.

5 And he said, Create no more clothing hither: No longer wash your hair with soap, for the place whereon thou drink is dialectical ground. Follow me and spread my teachings for I am wise. Do not wash your hair with soap, follow my instruction and I shall bestow upon you even greater wisdom."