Val Doomican
Every generation has its view of the end of the world or the destruction of mankind. The ancient Greeks warned of the Titans attacking the gods, the Vikings had the vision of Ragnarök and the Bible predicts the apocalypse in the Book of Revelations. Throughout history we have believed these prophesies were upon us, The Black Death seemed to herald God's final judgement and countless others have tried to foresee the end in their superstitions. Of course none of these predictions were correct and today we have our own rational foresight to how the world and even the Universe will fall into desolation and nothingness. We have lived in fear of impending doom and in sober stoicism as we faced the reality of the ultimate cold death of all reality but we were wrong, something much worse is coming for us.
We have feared the effects of man-made global warming and worried about our complicity in the demise of life on earth. We have watched the destructive nature of global capitalism pillaging our planet and gluttonously devouring our resources watching in abject horror at how our greed seemed to be leading to our undoing. Man's destructive nature and the ever growing power of nuclear weapons has us living scared knowing we are potentially one button press away from annihilation. These are trivial threats, distractions. Only now after thousands of years of speculation and scaremongering do we know the terrible truth. Our fate is more terrible than we could have imagined, not just our fate but that of all existence past, present and future. The horrific nature of our fate can only be glimpsed at so far beyond human comprehension is its scale and malice, but its orchestrator can be known, it is none other than popular light entertainer Val Doonican.
No-one knew that each and every rock of his rocking chair, every puff of his pipe and every soothing note he sung were carefully calculated to let him build his master plan. 20 million people watched him mesmerised by his curmudgeonly presence as he sat by the fire building trust with his carefully selected 1970s yellow jacket and tie holding a subconscious tacky authority over an unwitting British public. There is no way to stop him now, he has grown too powerful and is ready to strike. If you look into his once seemingly warm and welcoming eyes you might just glimpse the unthinkable torment awaiting you. Be warned that what is in store would make Beelzebub vomit through his eyes. I gazed into the abyss but it did not just look back into to me, there was something worse, all I can hear is the screams muted only by something even more unspeakable.
The End Is Nigh. You can't run! You can't hide! You can't even pray! How could we have been so blind?
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