The Chuckle Brothers: first as tragedy, then as farce.

It is with a heavy heart that Radical Splurge reports the alleged fascism of the Chuckle Brothers through their links to Britain First. The support of the renowned CBBC slapstick duo will certainly give Britain First a level of credibility that they could only have dreamed of previously.
Once again less than a century after the rise of Nazism in the 1930s Social Democracy is sliding into the racist darkness that engulfed the world in flames. Once again this movement towards hate will be helmed by moustached men.

"History repeats ... first as tragedy, then as farce" Karl Marx
Who would have thought that this farce would come in the form of the Chuckle Brothers?

Trump on Trump Action

Donald Trump has long been known to the world as a more offensive Alan Sugar with his brutish if not financially sound approach to the business world. Now he is a front running Republican candidate for the US Presidency but what drives him? What don't we know about him?

Clearly Trump's drive is not financial given that his dabbling in capitalism has led to a net lose, what truly drives him is a very advanced form of narcissism. Trump can often be found leering at his daughter or screaming in his hallway with his genitals between his legs shouting "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me". After screaming for a few hours he will normally cry in his room and gorge on Cadbury Creme Eggs until he vomits while boasting that he is rich enough to eat the festive treat out of its seasonal context. When challenged for eating the mysterious chocolate cased gooe outside of the Easter period he simply mutters "I am he, I am his true son".

On occasions when Trump isn't eating Creme Eggs he is making racist statements or preparing his hair. For the past few decades Trump has in fact been totally bald and spends a great deal of time preparing his wig. What is not known is that Trump's hair is made of human hair, not only is it human hair but it is hair with a very close DNA match which is why it looks so natural. Trump's narcissism can be fully explained by the source of his hair, the pubic triangle of his daughter. In truth Trump's drive is purely based on a perverse self-love, his unquestionable and publicly stated lust for Ivanka Trump is merely an expression of his Trumpcentric view of the Universe.

Whether or not Donald Trump wins the US election in 2016 we can all be sure that his mirror will be covered in jizz. In these troubled times it is almost comforting to know that Trump's election challenge can not shatter that constant.

Hilary Benn and the Syria Vote

#AllLivesMatter

The Ruling Class: #PigGate

They laughed and cried,

but something died,

the day the rulers showed their faces.

The people sighed a mighty huff,

their jeers and sneers ran hollow.

Deep down they knew that nothing was new,

They know their rulers well.

But now they simply couldn't hide the fact they lived in Hell.

The sinister band of leaches, parasites and monsters,

we always knew what they were but let them hide out of sight like a horrific shadow of the mind.

Now we know the truth,

Lucifer's children rule,

Bathed in the blood of innocents they follow their black mass.

A baptism of perversion seals their souls,

A hedonistic orgy of spitting and defiling God's good order.

With privileged glee they drank to the Devil's health,

Lying on shattered stained glass they lay in savage orgasmic bliss thinking about their wealth.

The diabolical ceremony of Beelzebub continued,

With every thrust into the creature’s corpse they silenced nature's squeals.

With that a new demonic tool for Satan was born,

A leader of the cult of Lucifer stepped forth.

He became a vessel for evil,

the defiled beast of parted hoof lay as a used vessel for his seed.

The people could not truly laugh at this horrific act for they shared their part,

Freed from sin and saved they took Satan's violator to heart.

Christ wept at his final defeat, the evils lords had won.

People of England your new Jerusalem fell,

Now witness your masters create a land of swine scented Hell.

Jeremy Corbyn Victory 2020

Jeremy Corbyn pictured taking office over the ruins of an austerity ravaged Britain.

Published May 2020

Breaking New: Jeremy Corbyn is the new Prime Minster. He has taken over a Britain radicalised by five years more austerity that "got a bit out of hand" according to the Conservative Party leader Grant Shapps (elected after a chaotic leadership crisis in the Tory ranks during 2018).

The result of the election came as a surprise to many after Corbyn's dramatic move to the left that led to the mass exodus of most Labour MPs after Clause IV was reintroduced as "Sovietize everything. Victory to the International Proletariat!!" Surprisingly this leftwards direction proved popular even after the short lived rule of 'Provisional Plaid Cymru' who for three months ceased power and maintained a disastrous policy of independence and "Socialism in one country" that was deemed by many commentators to once again discredit alternatives to capitalism. Corbyn managed to win back support to left-wing ideas saying "I think that the death of the entire population of Wales shows that the policies of 'Provisional Plaid Cymru' had some serious issues that should have been dealt with before implementation".

The efforts of ex-Labour MPs to halt Corbyn through a split failed after the Lid-Dem(s) refused to enter another coalition of any description. They eventually joined a mass opposition with the Conservative Party with Yvette Cooper justifying the move in her infamous debate with Jeremy Corbyn.

"Your taking us back to the 1980s, In fact this is worse, you're so left wing this is like 1983 times a thousand". 

Corbyn won the debate by arguing that his stance of being 1983 times a thousand would actually not take Labour and Britain back but move it forward to the year 1983000.

 Corbyn later added to his manifesto that with such an acceleration of years that a Labour victory would bring there would be a huge Christmas deficit meaning that by law it would have to be Christmas everyday until the debt was paid. Bernard Mattews Ltd would have to be taken into public ownership and collectivised to facilitate the gravy grave challenge that would immediately face a Corbyn government.

What the future holds for Corbyn's government is unknown but no one could have ever predicted the series of events that led to his remarkable victory.

Jeremy Corbyn starring in: The Thing from Outer Party

It came from outer space (or possibly Edinburgh). Its purpose? To take over the Labour Party. The parasitic organism had the terrifying ability to destroy and replicate any member of the Labour Movement recreating them cell by cell. This organism was named "Tony Blair".

It began changing the Labour Party MP by MP, cell by cell, policy by policy until there was nothing left of the Labour Party. The first victim of Tony Blair was Gordon Brown who shared an office with Blair; his human form suffered a horrific death. Brown's muffled cries were stifled by Blair's shape-shifting fleshy tentacle suckers that served to allow the Blair to absorb him entirely using his likeness to help him take over the party. It was not long before the party was re-branded "New Labour". This was a symbol of the victory of the Blair Thing showing it had reached its goal in creating a party filled with bland indistinct organisms only capable of following orders from the hive mind or "Think Tank" as it was known. To survive the Thing had to destroy all opposition to "electability" and "credibility" as any notions of nationalisation or trade union rights were seen as an attack on every parasitic cell of "New Labour" and as dangerous reminders of the human populated "Old Labour".

For years it seemed that the organism was unstoppable operating in safety as it absorbed any new Labour members or anyone who voiced dissent but it did not count on one man. Jeremy Corbyn stayed in hiding in Islington safe from the Blair Thing that built its strength in a sealed Westminster bubble that maintained the perfect climate for Blairite organisms. He returned to Westminster prepared to take on the beast holding a flame-thrower. He burnt and fought his way through the Labour bureaucracy hearing the shrieking screams of the neo-liberal organisms as their cells were destroyed with a sizzling hiss. He fought bravely but the party was more infected than he fought, he would have to destroy every cell of the Blair Thing. He marched though the burning halls of The House of Commons over the cooked giblets of former Blair controlled MPs towards the epicentre of the organism. He looked upon it in shock. It was New Labour in corporeal form. 

Tony Blair was trying desperately to create more cells and more forms in a final bid to save himself. What emerged from him was the grotesque spectacle of a Labour leader - a Labour leader - creating new MPs from his infinitely mailable gooey body. The new creations Andy Burnham, Liz Kendall and Yevette Cooper were too weak to be a real threat to the flame-thrower wielding Jeremy Corbyn. They were not shallow replications of former Labour MPs but a new baseless set of creatures that drained all of Blair's strength to create. This was a last show of power but also a show of decrepitude and vulnerability. 

The morphing Blair monster was utterly horrific, while Corbyn was in a position of power he had to strike or else the creatures would scurry around and absorb him. Corbyn hesitated for a moment, his finger shaking on the trigger as he saw something almost pathetic in the malformed beast he saw before him. Would he falter and give the Thing an opportunity to destroy him and the last hope of the Labour Party or would he blast the monster to Hell before it could regroup?